Claus-trophobia
By Joanne Kimes

As any parent knows, children are a fearful lot. And since all kids are different, so are their fears. Some are afraid of dogs. Others of long-legged spiders. And some are so timid, they’re scared of the cursive letter M at the end of the Zaboomafu logo and go screaming out of the room whenever the show is on (please don’t tell me my kid’s the only one). But no matter what fears your child may have, there’s an excellent chance he’s afraid of Santa Claus. Although there are many children who race to see Santa, there are many others that run the other way.

Who can blame them, really? Santa’s an imposing figure with beady eyes, no fashion sense, and hair reminiscent of Nick Nolte in his infamous mug shot. Plus, he wants to have kids sit on his lap like that icky guy at the park that Mommy always keeps clear of. But what really evokes panic in these two-foot irrational toddlers is that, unlike the guy at the park, Mommy’s more than happy to hand him her precious little baby. She doesn’t even give a cr*p that they cry enough tears to refresh a potted plant. Instead of running over to save them, she just stands there with a stupid smile on her face like the one she gives Daddy when he offers to give her a few hours of alone time.

If your child reacts like this during his first visit with Santa, chances are he’s been traumatized enough to develop the all too common condition of coulrophobia (the clinical name for the fear of clowns, mimes and all other costumed characters). Once coulrophobia sets in, it sets in hard and can take years to erode. Until then, you must steer clear of the circus, street performers, theme parks and all birthday parties with costumed characters.