When I said “I do,” the majority of my sleepless nights were spent at galas and openings. Then came Ben, the apple of my eye. Suddenly, when I was sacrificing shut-eye it was for nights spent swaddling my baby bundle. And if I was in bed, I was sticking to my side of the sheets. I had to ask myself, do the words “prepared” and “parenthood” belong in the same sentence? Thankfully, I’ve since learned that having children doesn’t mean you can’t cultivate coupledom. Fueled by their own first-hand experiences, and conversations with hundreds of men and women, Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O’Neill and Julia Stone, the author-mamas of the new book Babyproofing Your Marriage, answer our readers’ questions on sex (or lack thereof) and how best to bridge the post-baby relationship divide.

Babyproofing Your Marriage: Fueling the Fire when Intimacy’s on Ice

“With two kids and two full-time jobs, my husband and I play a different sort of what you all termed “Midnight Chicken” [faking sleep when something needs doing—usually baby-related—in the middle of the night]. It’s the same game every time: he wants sex. I don’t. He gets mad. I get cranky. We stomp off, bitter and unsatisfied. How can we break the cycle? And will my sex drive ever return?”

Julia: Yeah, we all played that version, too. It’s not a very fun game. Plus, nobody wins. We call it the Hound Dog-Ice Queen Vortex because it can just suck you into a really vicious cycle. It’s such a strange dynamic. He still wants sex, baby or no baby, but for a lot of us girls, sex just falls right off the radar. No one is intentionally trying to hurt their partner, but it can wind up being a flashpoint for conflict and stress and resentment.

Yes, you can break the cycle, though. Let’s start with that missing sex drive. What can you do to coax it back from its vacation in the Bahamas? There are a lot of really good reasons you may have lost interest – fear of another pregnancy, exhaustion, body image issues, the ick factor (too many vile bodily fluids already in your day), “mommy brain” (thinking 24/7 about the kids), resentment at the convenience factor (when romance is reduced to a ten o’clock shoulder tap at the end of a long day) – these are not minor issues! It’s not going to resolve itself overnight (we three had to re-orient our entire worldview), but start the process of reclaiming your sexuality. Do it for yourself, not just for your husband. Sex is a good thing. It’s something you once enjoyed, and might again someday!

Stacie: Another idea — try to understand how your husband feels about sex. It can take some mental heavy lifting, but guys talked in really moving ways about how it’s not just the physical act, but more the emotional connection with their wives that makes it so fundamental. (The problem is, they connect emotionally after sex, but we need to do it before.) They described repeated rejection as “soul destroying.” Soul destroying? It matters to them more than we think.

Cathy: Your husband has some work to do, too! First, he should stop the tap! It’s never going to get a tired mom in the mood. Ask him to find some words to tell you how he feels, not just give you a paw on the shoulder. We girls need to feel loved and appreciated, not just convenient. Second, he should re-define foreplay. We need some time to slough off the mantle of motherhood in order to make the transition to mistress. He can pick up the evening chores so you have a chance to take a hot bath and relax. Doing the dishes, putting away the toys and picking up underpants in the hallway won’t rev any gal up for a night in the sack. And third, he could remember the R-word. For many men, romance can fall off their radar once they’ve bagged themselves a deer. But the thought still counts, and always will, for most women. Ask him to plan the date night (tell him you do not need a special code to talk to the babysitter) or actively put some effort into your relationship. A note, a gesture, a heartfelt conversation or a night out where he tries to get you drunk and make you laugh the way he used to – tell him you still need to feel wooed from time to time. You want to feel like you are dating.