When Ben was born, my husband and I made a pact to never go to bed angry. We’d seen many a marriage crumble under the stress of sleepless nights with the new babe. Romance was being replaced by a barrage of baby-instigated relationship bumps. Who will feed Baby this time? Why do I always have to change diapers? Is this my partner’s idea of quality time? Sometimes the key to keeping your cool is deciding which battles are worth it. This week, the authors of the new book “Babyproofing Your Marriage” offer some insight by answering readers’ questions on which arguments are worth our attention.

Choose Your Battles Carefully
Interview with Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O’Neill and Julia Stone

“By the end of the day, after my one year old and two month old are in bed, the laundry is done and the bottles are all washed, I just don't have the energy to work on my relationship with my husband. We seem to argue every single day, and I'm starting to worry that our daughter is old enough now to feel the tension between her father and me.  I'm falling apart emotionally, physically and mentally – can you help?”

Stacie:  You have two in diapers? Ouch! Cathy and I know that gig all too well! Dealing with two needy babies and the astounding workload is tough for any couple, no matter how happy the marriage is in general. It’s normal for you both to feel overworked and pretty strung out by the end of the day.  It’s normal to go through a tense period in your relationship right now. The good news is that there are things you can do to improve the situation. First of all, prioritize sleep and your own health. Our threshold for dealing with our spouse’s imperfections gets dangerously low when we don’t have a chance to recharge. We can end up making mountains out of molehills. Work together by trading off the kid responsibilities so that both of you get some down time. By giving each other some Get Out of Jail Free Cards, you can help get your relationship back on track.

Cathy:  You didn’t say what the arguments are about. Scorekeeping over the division of labor? Dwindling sex life? Interfering in-laws? All of the above? No matter what the source of the tension, spending some time together as a couple will help. Your marriage is the lynchpin of the family. It is hard, like you said, to find the energy for each other, but at some point, your relationship is more important than the laundry or picking up the toys. He can come home from work an hour early and help with bed, bath and beyond. Take a walk together, have a date night out, or even at home. It doesn’t have to be complicated; it just needs to be reserved for you to be together as husband and wife, as adults who enjoy each other’s company. A little action can go a long way.

Julia:  Try to keep things in perspective. It may feel like you’ve come unmoored, but this is just a stage. With two little ones so close together, you are really in the trenches right now. It does get easier as the kids get older. It really does. My oldest just turned six. He dresses himself. He gets his own snacks. We all sleep. The trick is to ride the storm out.