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“I am more than ready to resume marital relations with my man (our baby is 10 weeks) and he wants nothing to do with me sexually! All my girlfriends keep telling me how lucky I am, but I am losing confidence that my husband finds me attractive. (He is in his late 40s...could that be a factor?) Am I a nympho? Help!”

Cathy: No, you’re not a nympho, but you are quite exceptional. Most women couldn’t care less about sex when they have a 10-week-old baby! We could all do with a little bit of what you have. Of course, it can be deeply upsetting when you want to have sex and your husband doesn’t. So what’s going on with him? You guys are still in the earliest stages of adjusting to parenthood. He might just be wiped out. Remember Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? Sleep trumps sex. It’s not unreasonable for him to choose sleep over sex. See if things don’t improve as the baby gets a little older and you’re all sleeping more.

Julia: It might also be that he’s stressed. Now that he’s a dad, he might be feeling pressure to perform at work and that can impact performance in other areas. Just as we suggest that women get out of “Mommy Mode” so that they think about sex differently, your husband might need to get out of “Provider Mode.” Put a little distance between the two of you and the baby. A night in a hotel might do the trick.

Stacie: Even if he’s not interested in sex, don’t stop the SGIs, the Small Gestures of Intimacy like kissing, hugging and handholding. Affection is so important in a relationship. Just because one of you is not up for sex that doesn’t mean that all physical affection should stop. Let him know that these SGIs are being given without any expectation for sex later on, that way he can just enjoy them. SGIs allow you to keep connecting on a physical level and, more often than not, that connection can eventually recharge your sex life.

“This date night stuff is crap. I don’t want a date. I want a partner. I want him to step up to the plate and be there. Why should I get excited about a date when I can’t let go of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday…?”

Stacie: You sound pretty peeved, and your annoyance is no doubt entirely justified. We know all too well how that feels. Don’t dismiss date night just yet though. It could actually be a great strategy for you. When you talk and how you talk about touchy issues and the things that really tick you off are important. You’ll make your point much more effectively when you remove yourselves from the battle zone and are in couple mode rather than adversary mode. Your husband might be more receptive to hearing about your Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday … frustrations when you’re out for dinner and having fun together.

Cathy: If you feel like he just doesn’t get it or he’s not doing his fair share, we have lots of strategies for getting that point across. Try the Training Weekend. You take off for a weekend and leave him in charge for 48 hours. This trial-by-fire experience gives him a chance to understand what it really takes to keep a little one clean, fed and entertained. Show him the “we want a partner, not a helper” section of the book. Dividing and conquering the workload, and setting expectations and planning can also bring you to a division of labor truce and allow you to enjoy each other’s company again.